Apologies for the lack of posts last week. You will soon understand.
First and foremost - lets all give thanks. October is over.
I hate Halloween.
Im well aware what I just said could be considered blasphemy so in defense of Halloween hatred, please bare with me and take a walk down memory lane.
One year ago ... October 2009.
Clearly the only time of year Ma gets to publicly humiliate me without fear of spotting a social worker.
After multiple attempts to finding the perfect costume and indulge in her inner desire to torture me....
she finds The One.
Without even changing me out of my street clothes, she shoves me into a banana suit and hands me a used plastic grocery sack telling me "Snickers only."
Im wearing a banana suit boldly displaying a blue "Certified Organic Banana" sticker, and this crazy woman has me carrying a plastic grocery bag. Im not only a fruit, but also a walking oxymoron.
Harsh lesson learned: Trick's on me, Treats for Ma.
Its bad enough chicks tell me I'm completely unappealing ....
but being laughed at by my boys is borderline abominable.
Id rather join my new found peers and face the sudden death of consumption then provide Ma the satisfaction of ruining my image.
I find the hungriest looking thing walking on two legs, punch him in the mouth and tell him to eat me.
Seething due to my brilliance and realizing she was on the brink of being outsmarted, Ma whisks me away from the jaws of the angry dinosaur.
And my punishment?
Instead of going straight home, we stop at my neighborhood Halloween party.
Between listening to superman complain about his sweaty armpits,
and Mr. Rent-a-Cop wine about the waist band of his pants,
It's obvious these so called men could never survive tough love.
Now lets get current. Goodbye '09....
This year Ma teased me by letting me decide the theme for my costume.
Wanting everything I could NOT achieve with the banana suit - my costume request is genius, infallible and well.... obvious.
Halloween 2010... Ladies and Gentlemen: I. AM. A. PRO. ATHLETE.
Annnnnnd.... The enemy strikes again.
Looking like a tasteless cereal from the front and a fake n baked Sponge Bob from the back...
sympathetic people off the street start handing me money instead of candy,
however no dollar amount could repair this annual humiliation.
Being dragged to yet another halloween party, I nervously anticipate a girlfriends' reaction to my costume.
Expecting to see Michael Jordan, Muhammad Ali, Shoeless Joe Jackson- needless to say she was clearly disappointed and well... disgusted by my inability to outsmart Ma.
And as soon I turn my back, who is she all over? The next best looking guy at the party.
Refusing to be manipulated by yet another woman- I gave her an ultimatum. Its either him or me.
Waiting in misery we both sat internally struggling with the possibility of rejection.
She obviously likes her men not resembling breakfast foods.
Infuriated by both parents, I shamefully act on impulse.
In attempt to slap some sense into Ma
followed by throwing a left jab and threat to Pa
I gain nothing but a wounded hand.
Once thinking trumping the misery of my banana suit was impossible, I learned two more important lessons. First- violence is never the answer.
and second? It can always get worse.
We've now come full circle.
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Oh, and as a side note to the parental units:
You'll pay for this.
