"Strawberry Yogurt" Starring ME: Master P(ee)

The floors were immaculate. So shiny I could see my reflection. I had just got out of the bathtub and I believe for the first time everything in our little world was squeaky clean and sterile. Ma was on a cleaning rampage and altho only a few feet from me I realized this was the perfect opportunity remind her of my purpose on earth. Her life should not look this orderly or faultless. Not with me in it!

Aaaaahhhh yes. She forgot to lock the fridge.

Man Code: Drink Sharing

Sharing a beverage with a Woman:

They casually grab the drink from my hands, without even asking or acknowledging the fact they wish to partake in my beverage.  This sly action gives the impression they are trying, in some way, to do me a favor. Perhaps hold the cup for me as I reposition the straw?

Before I catch on to their bait and switch, consumption is underway...

As I watch in horror, occasionally I'll get the "what 'chu gonna do 'bout it?" stare down and the two finger death grip. 

                            

Detecting my defeat, women continue to pound my beverage quicker than a 19 year old frat boy. Wallowing in torture and thirst, I can do nothing but swallow saliva. 

Holding back a fountain of tears, the drink is returned with nothing but watered down ice cubes.

Relishing in success, trickery and my destruction, the infamous smile spreads over their face as they victimize yet another thirsty man. 

How they expect us to continue on throughout the day as if nothing ever happened is beyond me...

Sharing a drink with a Man:

An extremely thirsty male relative or friend asks for a gulp of my drink.   The liquid divide is discussed and we make an agreement.  Admittingly I still hesitate before giving the go ahead...

I then remember the unspoken agreement between men: the dude bumming the drink isn't allowed to put his lips on the bottle.

I reluctantly shove my drink in his direction giving him the OK.

Witnessing the unspoken rule in action, and drinking just enough to satisfy his needs... I smile in deep appreciation.  Any reluctance vanishes and I enjoy helping a friend in need. 

The interaction is completely seamless. I'm given back my drink in seconds and mentally prepare for another blissful indulgence.

I put the bottle to my lips, close my eyes...

... and embrace complete ecstasy.

Thirst quenched and satisfied I slam down the bottle with deeper love for the man code. 

Fake it 'till I make it

While enduring another day at the grind, I was asked a very serious and 'career advancing' question.

Do I have any previous experience on the big screen?

I thought back to the US Open....

... and just saved myself from 9 months of acting class.

The kid's gotta eat...

Anytime Ma steals a bite of my food, a kid yanks a toy from me, or someone sleeps in my bed-  I instinctively yell, "No, Mine!"


Ma consistently counters with, "Nothing's yours until you buy it yourself."


I can no longer handle watching infants slobber on my choo choo trains or sharing one more bite of my scrumptios applesauce... all because of why? I didn't buy it?? It's time I get a job.


Considering Ma has a camera in my face 24/7 I decided its about time I get compensated for it. Unfortuneately I couldn't convince her to pay up, so I found someone who would. They saw a few mug shots and called me for an interview.


I had a terrible nights sleep and my newly appointed 'reliable' manager slept through her alarm clock, waking me up minutes before our appointment. First words out of my mouth the moment I awoke, "I want meatballs." A few minutes later I was eating the breakfast of champions from a ziplock bag and  my manager and I were cabbin' it to 5th ave.

The ride was strenuous. Was selfishness enough upside for the price of being a working man? And aren't all of Ma's annoying pictures already enough to make me crazy?

Arriving with seconds to spare, and feeling flustered I sat on a stoop a few blocks away from our destination to deal with a minor breakdown.

"GAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"

                                                  

This is ridiculous! I'm two, I shouldn't have to get a job just to own some real estate. 

"Just stop eating my food... just leave my dump truck alone!" 

"Curse you all!"

A few moments later I pulled myself together and gazed into the two feet of visible hazy sky.  I did just come all this way and eat about 20 meatballs from a plastic bag...

Went in, gave a few high fives, told them a bit about myself and took a tour of the office space. Minutes later I walked out with a contract containing all of their signatures and some blank spaces for mine.

During the cab ride home, I read through every page and took notes on any notable pros and cons. 

Was I really ready to be a working man?

In case you have poor eyesight and can't read my writing:

 -Pros

I'll finally get to say 'No Mine' without being corrected

Maybe Mom will take less pictures of me

Free food on set could mean less of Ma's vegetables 

Could save up to buy Dad that yacht he always wanted

Depending on the shoot, I'd have temporary Moms who are hot, size 0, and 6 feet tall

-Cons

Need to worry if I bash my head in at the playground and bruise my massive head

May have to wear nothing but a diaper during a shoot, misrepresenting the fact Im nearly potty trained

I couldn't decide if the pros outweighed the cons, the cabby had bad BO and I felt a migraine coming on. 

I needed to get out of the vehicle fast and take a moment to collect my thoughts. I jumped out at the nearest putting green.

As any mature individual would, I decided to leave the career decision up to the golf Gods. 7 perfect puts and I'm a working man. 

I now have what most of you lost two years ago.... my short game.

Oh yeah, and a job.


Mom- no more exploiting my face for free... call Ford if you want to book me.  Don't hate... congratulate. 


And spit out that Cheerio kid, go buy your own.

Green between the Toes

I was hungry. Ma was in the middle of cooking dinner and gave me a 'snack' to tie me over. She tried to camouflage some green beans with butter and freshly grated parmesan cheese... and then left me alone with the poorly disguised enemy. 

I carefully assessed the crisis and realized I could indeed save the hostages.

I only did what any good man would do.

Consumed every bit of cheese and held those traitors captive by my grubby lil' keepers. 

I gave them each the stare down, one by one.

Then pulled them in close, rested my arms behind my head and remained as calm as possible.

Proving once again... I fear nothing.

Apples for Apples

Ma dragged us to Apple Store because she got the iphone and doesn't know how to use it. 'Dragged' meaning raining outside, Mom of course in heels, both of us tromping up and down sopping wet and fungus crawling subway stairs, and schlepping her purse, laptop, 3 hard drives, me, and the stroller.  What's comical about it all is I've mastered my Dad's iPhone so this trip was completely unecessary, but she won't let me touch hers to fix it.  Go figure.

I walked in plotting the perfect tantrum to throw and embarrass my Mother.  However right when I took a deep breath to let out an amazing high pitched yelp I spotted a Kid's computer section! Finally!  Did they set this up in preparation for my arrival?  My golden opportunity finally presented itself.  Ma wont let me use her equipment to prove I'm capable but she can't stop me from using these! 


Ma selected the computer and I bellied on up. 


Of course. She sits me right next to the smart asian kid... she knew exactly what she was doing. Regardless of how tech savvy I may be, nothing looks impressive in comparison to his HTML code writing gibberish. 

And to think....My own Mother... setting me up for failure.

What's this? A faint glimmer of hope? These are my people! Dora, Diego, Wonder Pets... don't fail me now.

That's right kid... you like that? You're not the only one with tricks up his sleeves. 

                  

Ma you seeing this?

Sure kid, you may know the ins and outs of every operating system, but can you dominate this evil dragon to save Lady Dora, by perfectly tapping the space bar?  

 Go ahead, send your muscle, try to intimidate me.... 

And yet another man in a suit come to spy on my skills...

Heh? Did I hear  a YAWN over my left shoulder? He's not impressed?

What's this? Smart asian dude can design and troubleshoot internal computer networks AND help Dora save the crystal kingdom?

 This is a conspiracy!!!

Happy Birthday Olivia

Freestyle Bio

Disregard the bedhead below... I just woke up and felt the need to flow.

Lyrics:

I've got a fro, people love to feel 

I'm terrible two and I keep it real 

Im a monster, a terror, and I ain't cheap

Making sure my Ma earns her keep

I'm a big deal, in New York City

Camera in my face, good thing I'm pretty

Know you want to, peek what I've done

You think thats bad? I've just begun.

"Dummer Dude"

Something you should know about me. I use a cup. 


Tossed bottles aside before the age of 1 and kicked sippies 6 months ago. I feel a chest hair breaking through any day now.

Back to this cup. Ma fills the sucker with milk and I take what I want from it, open the fridge and place it on the shelf that's easily accessible. When I want more, I get it myself. 

Ma was busy cleaning a poopisode in my bathroom. Lucky her.  Conversation goes as follows (keep in mind my speech hasn't caught up with my brain and for some reason I often repeat things I hear. Trust me, I'm tougher than I sound):

Me: "Milp Pease!!" 

Ma:  "Get it yourself, your cup is in the fridge"

Me: "Oh. Oh tay."

Open fridge, cup is empty. I hate when I put an empty cup in the fridge.... a total pump fake! I throw the fake out in the sink. Time to fend for myself.... Ma's obviously in a foul mood.


(...a few minutes later)

Milk: "SPLAAAAAAAASH!"


Ma runs into the kitchen. I'm standing on the perfectly positioned stool drinking from the milk carton previously located on the top shelf. 


Yes I know Mom. Go ahead and thank me- I didn't make you refill my cup. 

Ma: "Xander Foreman!"

Seldom.... does my Ma use my first and last name... I must have done something wrong?  Let me appease her with an Uh-oh...


Me: "Uh-ohhhhhhhhh"

Ma: "Bummer Dude."
Me: "Dummer Dude" 
Ma: "You got that right."

It only took me two time outs and five slip and falls to get the majority of it cleaned.  

There.  Good as new. You're welcome Mom.